and I mean this in a positive way. Because, I know for me, anyway, the part that I lost was not that important. It was the "I-need-a-drink-right-now-and-will-go-to-happy-hour-right-now-to-get-it" part of me.
Some of the anxiety I've been experiencing comes from not knowing when I can go to the bathroom in peace, or when I'll be able to eat with both hands, if I get to eat at all during the day. And this is being worked through, meticulously with patience and a fine tooth comb because I feel our generation is so used to putting things off (example: getting married, saving for your 401(k), having kids, etc) because there are other aspirations in our path that need to be conquered first. Just this one last thing, then I will do this. I'm not blaming how our generation is handling things, but holy crap, getting accustomed to a lifestyle just for it to come to an immediate halt once a human being escapes your body is a huge thing. Having lived 31 years with basically no true responsibilities bit me in the ass and it bit hard. This I'm willing to admit.
I mention all of this because my mom said something to me that rings a bit true: "I didn't have a lifestyle adjustment when I had you all. I was so young that I didn't have a life to adjust - it just happened." (this is not verbatim by the way as this was a few months ago that she mentioned this)
Personally, I kept telling myself, nope, not going to marry again and nope, I do not want kids. Then, with a cartoon-like-POW it all changed. It was never in my original plan, but that plan flew out the car window on the highway somewhere on the road to, "forever personal freedomland" when meeting and falling in love with Scooter. It took meeting him for me to realize, yes I do want to marry again and yes I can see myself having children, especially with this man.
The bite on my butt from motherhood will heal, especially since it was such a shock. I do hope there will be a little bit of a scar though, so that a part of me will never forget a detail of this life-changing experience.
3 comments:
Speaking from my experience, you will never go to the bathroom in peace - at least not for awhile. You'll only eat with both hands when you're on a date with Scooter and that baby is home with a sitter or Austin is sleeping. You do need to eat during the day though, sweetie. Be it granola bars, bananas, almonds or a quick sandwich, you need to nourish yourself in order to have the energy to take care of Austin. You might not get a hot meal, but you need to find the time for that.
Its amazing how motherhood is a different experience for all of us! I'm only now wanting to reach out and do more things for me (like maybe restarting my own blog), I just never wanted to miss a single second with Griffin and intentionally I put myself on the back burner. I never felt a sense of loss of a former life, but maybe its because I had been thinking marriage, kids, etc for years before it happened.
Hopefully when the bit mark heals the scar will be cute and you'll have an awesome story to go along with it!
Love ya!
Well said! Motherhood is "life-changing", for sure!
Sunny: Yeah, I've been planning on not going to the bathroom in peace, ever again until he's 18 and off to college. I do eat, but my eating starts at 2pm and goes until about 1am, late night snacking, arrrgh.
I guess the point of my post was just to say that the days of yore (sitting at Cafe Ladro and reading the Stranger or playing around on the laptop) still beckon in my mind like the results of a bad one-night stand. I admit that those days are missed once in a while and I believe that's normal.
I do think everyone has their own adjustment they go through when becoming a mom - some are just more shocked than others.
And for me, I MUST have my own space. I love Austin more than anything in the world, but my space is needed which is why this blog doesn't record his every look or milestone. Even if the space is just a small corner in Cyberworld.
Post a Comment