I'm so exhausted and emotionally stretched out (kind of like those jeans I've been trying to squeeze into for the past four years) about Austin not being breastfed
I was determined, determined to breastfeed Austin, even if it meant losing a nipple simply because I'm a heavy believer in natural everything. The food we eat, shampoo, soap, toothpaste, make-up, even laundry detergent - it all better be edible damn it in case there's an invasion of aliens and they take over all the Wal-Marts and Qdobas. It's just something I've been really into for the past four years or so.
I won't rehash all of the postpartum stuff because that can be found here, here, here, here (apparently all over this blog).
In a pistachio shell - I had to get back on medication to help alleviate some of the severe postpartum symptoms so that my husband could go back to work without me (and Austin) clinging to his leg begging him to stay home becauseifhedoesn'ttheroofwillcollapseinandkillusalldidyouhearme?!
And because of this particular medication I was told and reminded numerous times, "You do understand you will not be able to continue breastfeeding." And in my fogged up, head, somehow a, "Yes." came out of my mouth.
This is where my guilt as a mother began. I call it guilt because there have been articles, conversations and people asking every five minutes it seems, "Are you breastfeeding?" To which the answer was, "No." and because I didn't want to get into the reason as to why I wasn't breastfeeding that's all they walked away with.
I'm going to cut to the chase here because we are about to go look at houses (and that's a whole other post!).
Not breastfeeding Austin will not kill him. Or in other words: He will not die or be any less intelligent because he's being fed formula. Which I had to do extensive research on the formula which can be found here. He has met every milestone on time or earlier (accordingly to those overpriced "how to parent" books).
I slowly had to convince myself that, at the time, I made the best decision for my family. Fact is: My husband had to go back to work. I do not have family here and, at the time, didn't even really know my neighbors.
So, if you are not breastfeeding your baby you are not alone.
I started to feel even more isolated because I wasn't breastfeeding due to the fact that all my friends that had babies did it/were doing it which only compounded the anxiety, guilt, depression cycle. It seems moms nowadays have the guilt-road paved out for them by all the Xtreme breastfeeders and they don't want to even admit they are formula feeding their babies.
Plus, I was formula fed, my husband was too, along with most of the people of my generation: And, all of us are still alive. That has to be a good sign, right?
6 comments:
Formula will not kill your baby or cause them to be stupid. The media again has caused such pressure and guilt over mothers to make that decision, when in the end, it is a personal decision. The reasons you decide to breastfeed are as personal as those that you decide not to.
You are a very proactive parent and you worked to find the facts on the best formula for Austin. Your mental health and wellness had to come first, because you simply cannot care for a baby unless you are equipped to care for yourself. And as to all of those studies they've done on breastfeed vs. formula babies being healthier, let me just say, Griffin has had around 6 or 7 ear infections (I've lost count) and he was breastfeed for over a year. And Austin has had how many, oh yeah, none!
You're a good mom, Austin is doing awesome and I can't wait to squeeze his cute little formula-fed, healthy little cheeks when I'm visiting in December!
Fortunately, you will soon move past this stage of "i'm a better mom than you" and be made to feel guilty about some new parenting decision.
I am very happy to be done with breastfeeding - although my newly flattened boobs are pretty sad looking.
Marisa, you should NEVER feel guilty for not nursing. I wonder if you live in an area where more moms are expected to nurse. In my circle of friends over here, only about 1/3 of us nursed....and I live in a pretty conservative city.
You're formula feeding because,like you said, it was/is best for your family. You have to take care of yourself before you can be expected to take care of a newborn.
And if someone asks if you're nursing, just say, "Nope...it didn't work out." You don't owe anyone an apology or explanation. Austin is going to grow up and probably be healthier than his peers because of your lifestyle. Heck, he'll be healthier than Ryland since I feed my kids crap like Cookie Crisp and Pizza Rolls...
AMEN! Without getting into my loooong story of deciding to formula feed...THANK YOU for this post. I was pretty much in the same boat minus the ppd. I had what is referred to as "post partum blues" but it lasted awhile. Anyway, thank you. I'm glad to know there are other parents like me and my husband.
Sunny: Thanks! Although in all fairness Griffin is in a petri dish all day (aka daycare) so the fact that he's still alive and breathing means he'll be able to go to exotic places like India and not catch a thing.
Melody: Thank GOD. I'm sure you'll make peace with your boobs some day. Mine have just forgiven me.
Suji: Whatev! You are cooking and making your own baby food which is awesome. I only have one baby and can't even handle that right now! And, yes, here breastfeeding is almost militant in style Suji. When I first gave birth to Austin, La Leche League purchased a billboard off the main road here saying something (like), "breasts are meant to feed a baby" or something... can't remember exactly. So, it was just another reminder of how I'd "failed".
Rhianna: You're welcome! It seems every mommy blog I read emphasized, drilled and even posted picture of women breastfeeding yet there's nothing out there saying "you know what, it's not the end of the world if you don't breastfeed your baby." And thanks for commenting because I felt like I was the only one!
Love you Maris! Can't wait to see you if you make it out here in December...I remember crying my eyes out after 6 months and couldn't produce anymore milk. I was sleep deprived and pumping at worked sucked! I took fenugreek and smelled like maple syrup for weeks (that's the stuff they use to flavor maple syrup). I was almost about the get the supplement that mothers who adopt children use to create new milk ducts so that they can breast feed, but I decided enough was enough...It was harder on me than Aleena..frankly she loved the bottle instead and took to formula no problem.
I think as women, we put so much pressure on ourselves to let our children have better than what we had. There is so much competition and as Mel said...mothers wanting to be better than the other. It's all petty.. Truth is..there is no right or wrong..it's what is best for you and your baby. In this case, had you continued breastfeeding, but continued to suffer PPD...who knows where you'd be and Austin for that matter...severe cases lead to death..so be grateful the worst you can say is...my baby was on formula.
You are a wonderful mother and don't let anyone tell you different! Can't wait to meet Austin!
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