This is a question that has been crossing my mind for a little while now. Sometimes at night I'll lay in bed and fantasize. I fantasize about waking up to freshly brewed coffee (like in that Folgers commercial except it won't be Folgers it will be Tully's French Roast), dressing in clothes that have to be dry cleaned, dressing Austin in a cute outfit and packing him up for a fun day at daycare where he can play with a ton of other babies. Swing my laptop bag over my shoulder along with the diaper bag and tap into my Sidekick to see what meetings need to be attended for the day.
I drop off Austin and kiss him and tell him I love him. I let him keep his sock monkey in the diaper bag just in case.
Make my way to work, click-clack my way into my office, dock my laptop and start on emails. Glance at a picture of Austin and wonder if he's napping at daycare yet. Drink a latte (that someone else made), go to a meeting to review Powerpoint edits and sneak a peek at my phone, I mean, there's a possibility he fell down and hit his head and had to go to the emergency room for stitches and they are trying to reach me(!!!). Head to lunch and wonder if Austin is eating the Chicken Mango Risotto dish and if he'll skip is Apple Blueberry sauce. I only eat half my lunch.
The rest of the day is predictable, demanding and filled with whiny, pouting clients and my instinct is to check their diaper or try to put them down for a nap.
I spend the next 45 minutes trying to get to the daycare but all the construction around campus has put traffic into a complete standstill. I try to find the CD with Lullaby Renditions of The Cure for when I pick up Austin. Finally pick him up. When I see him I can't let go because suddenly a flashback of the past 9 months plays like a bad movie trailer through my head - the first time he rolled over, first time he sat up unassisted, the first time he pooped in the tub, the day I caught him rocking on all fours, and the next day how he pushed backwards all the way to the TV with his sock in mouth. I don't want to miss any of it.
Why would I want to go back to work? My doctor told me that I needed to because my personality just doesn't resonate with staying at home all day with a baby and that being at home seems to cause much of my anxiety. And, I have to somewhat agree. I become too obsessive about things. When it came to diapers I seriously spent hours researching them. Diapers. I have a four-year degree and I spent hours researching diapers online.
Does it make me a bad mom because I am able to stay home (financially) to raise Austin but may choose not to?
And how does one sequester work and home life and still be truly successful at both roles?
Then there's the other question: Am I completely over-thinking the decision?(!) 
4 comments:
Even though you've never dropped off Austin at daycare, what you dream your day might be like is pretty accurate! I race out of the office at exactly 5 so I can go pick up Griffin and look forward to that long hug he gives.
Can I afford to stay home with him - no. Would I choose to at this point - I'm not sure. In an ideal world I'd love to work part time. I'd still get the satisfaction of working and being with my peers, and Griffin still would get the social exposure that I feel he not only needs, but truly loves. Not to mention, the experiences he gets at daycare go far above anything I would probably do at home(for instance, I'd never open a bag of flour and let him play in it - the mess!).
It's a very hard decision, and maybe overthinking it is the best thing. You can consider all the angles and possibilities. Whatevrer you decide you know you have everyone behind you to back you up and cheer you on regardless of the decision.
The trick to staying at home is finding a balance between total baby focus and having a Mommy life. Moving to Salem really helped me because I found the MOMS Club which became my new "job". I also found a lot of sanity and other Moms who can tell you when you are being crazy. I also recommend joining a gym or yoga studio with childcare. It helps to reclaim part of yourself while still being devoted to your child. I do think that working part-time is the ideal world but I wouldn't give up the time with the kiddos for anything. It just keeps getting more and more fun.
Marisa....that is definitely a tough choice: choosing to work, but not necessarily because you have to financially.
I would agree with Mel that you need to find that balance between baby world and mom world. I think you're at a tough spot because Austin is still a bit young to truly enjoy and play with other kids. It's not like you can call another mom and her child over to play with Austin---though, you could and it's pretty much a social time for you. Plus his schedule is so limited because of his naps. Once he's done with that AM nap....
Think about if you went back to work----would you be worrying about what Austin is doing and thinking about what you're missing? You working and him being in daycare would be a different type of anxiety....not necessarily easier, just different.
You definitely need to do what is best for you and your family, but I think I would try to get through that first year and then see how you feel. I've always said it....that first year, though amazing, is kind of boring....
Not too many people will admit that, but I will. I'd love to give birth to a 12 month old!!
I'm not sure how "religious" you are, but I know that a lot of churches have mom groups. Here, they're called MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers---not sure if that's a national thing or not). You certainly don't need a preschooler to be part of it, but it certainly connects you to other moms.
It's hard, Marisa.
AND....You could always try the working thing...if it doesn't work out...then quit!
What a tough decision. Not one I really had a choice on as we couldn't afford for me not to go back to work. I have to say...I never thought I could be a SAHM and still don't so I always knew I'd go back - wether I had to or not. As much as I love Kaylee, and love being around her to see everything she learns and getting a chance to see her firsts, I really do enjoy the time away, being around adults even if it is at work. For me, it is a mental break - for me to get back to me and (especially if it was a difficult day/night before)regroup. If I had my way, I'd choose to work part-time because then I'd get the best of both worlds but that is not an option. And I'm ok with that. Maybe try that to start...I do find it difficult during the week to spend quality time with her i.e. teaching her things, reading, etc. As soon as I pick her up, it's lets get home, get unpacked, cook dinner, eat, clean up, then all of the sudden its bath & bedtime. Do I feel guilty about that...yes, but I just know that I'm doing the best I can and that is all I can do. I'm still trying to learn how to balance that. Luckily, Jeff is home with her during most of the day so she gets alot of the learning stuff with him so she's not totally lacking.
Ultimately, you need to do what is best for you and the family. And it may take you another 6 months to figure out what that is but at least you have the option. And like Ritsema said you can always quit if it doesn't work out.
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