about pregnancy. I know that this pregnancy stuff is getting old, but seriously, what other event in my life right now am I obsessing over (other than The Real Housewives of Atlanta season finale that took place on Tuesday night - can you believe Kim? That bitch.)? Sitting here sipping my one cup coffee I allow myself per month, I contemplate the very joys of pregnancy.
Here are things that people gloss over when they are pregnant and fail to mention to you in hopes that, you too one day, will spawn cute, cute babies.
1. In the first trimester, you may endure some of the worst PMS-like episodes of your life (just ask my poor husband).
2. That blood test they took at your first OB/GYN appointment to ensure you are, in fact, human and can carry a baby will cost you $720.59 (if you don't have insurance. If you do have insurance, thankfully it's only about $200.00. Also, if you have an individual insurance plan, not only do you have to pay the monthly premium, but you will receive many, many bills over the next months of pregnancy for all services rendered, especially until you hit your deductible and then, even after that).
3. Pooping becomes a luxury. Such a luxury, that when your husband gets home from work you gleefully tell him you pooped today.
4. Heartburn. Worse heartburn than that 55 year-old man sitting next to you at the movies burping nacho cheese and jalapeno breath.
5. Um, you really shouldn't drink more than one cup of coffee per day, if that. Fine, just take away the one constant vice that I indulge in. You might as well have told me to stop breathing.
6. You can only lay on your left or right side. If you lay on your back you will kill your baby, and stomach laying, obviously out of the question. Oh and by the way, you should really just lay on your left side, FOR NINE MONTHS, so that the proper blood flow can get to the uterus.
7. There will be no drugs during this pregnancy. No sleep aids, no cough syrup, no motrin for that godawful back pain you are currently enduring, no allergy medicine, no sanity drugs (AKA Prozac), no red wine, no Xanax for when you realize - yes, I'm actually having a baby, no shots of Patron. Nothing. Oh, wait, you can take Tylenol, if absolutely needed. (Now, I knew about most of the stuff here in #5, but at this point it's just venting.)
2 comments:
Just wait for all of the fun delivery and post-deliver things that people gloss over too - those are even MORE fun. :)
Oh, yeah... Neil and I watched two extremely graphic videos of births in class - one natural (ack!) and one c-section (ack!!!). We were informed of how to help prevent "tearing" which is not what I expected to learn in class. I'm expecting a full-on, gory Nightmare On Elm Street type of grossness.
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