Postpartum depression needs to be talked about.

I've openly discussed my struggle with postpartum depression (PPD) mainly because I felt alone in that no one understood what I was going through. It seemed all my friends that had babies felt perfect and happy and just...happy! So, who was I to talk to about this? I want women to understand that this is a very common condition following giving birth.

One of the many websites that helped me realize I wasn't crazy was dooce.com and reading Heather Armstrong's story of struggling with PPD and anxiety after giving birth to her first daughter. Her latest post describes her experience directly after giving birth to her second daughter, recently. Also, reading her book was like looking on a reflecting pool beaming back my own struggle with PPD and anxiety.

I then ran across this story. Which made me cry because I know how she felt and the sad thing is, I know why she did it. The monster of anxiety gripped me in the morning not letting go for hours and hours until suffocation would occur. I would feel dizzy, chest pains, as if I was going to pass out. If I did, who would take care of Austin? For this reason I was terrified to be left alone with him because the thought of him being trapped in the house with no one to care for him frightened me and this went on for weeks and weeks. And on top of the anxiety and depression: the not eating and the not sleeping.

I'm not back to feeling absolutely fabulous. Each day is still a bit of a struggle, but I have definitely gotten better. I'm not sure which to attribute this feeling-better to: hormones are finally balancing out or the medication/therapy combo.

The one thing, person, love that has kept me from doing anything drastic like taking my own life is my son. My beautiful, happy, baby boy. Because the thought of him moving through the everyday motions and achievements, milestones of life without a mother is enough for me to tell myself, "Just make it one more day, one more day".

The most important thing is for me to say thank you to the friends/family that have reached out many times to see how things are going while I muddle through this mess: Dad, Elaine, Kimberly, Sunny - Thank you.

My husband: He should receive the "Husband of the Year Award" for supporting me through this situation. Don't get me wrong, he didn't always know what to do or say when I would break down - but he was always here even if just to offer quiet comfort.

My mom: My mom who (along with my dad) stayed two weeks (instead of the original one week) directly after my giving birth so that I could heal from the c-section. My parents even did the overnight feedings many nights. My mom who also dropped everything, including work, to fly up here for two weeks (recently) because I was at the end of my very-frayed rope. I truly felt I was not able to cope for one more day. She also helped with overnight feedings then.
I cannot give my mom enough credit for the effort she has put forth in insuring her daughter's and grandson's well-being.

So, as I still work through this, I'll keep the mantra, " "Just make it one more day, one more day". At this point, it's one day at a time.